Let's love a little more, not less

I really ought to be asleep. But I want to sort through something today that bothered me. I want to voice (type) these thoughts.

There have been times when I'm singing along to one of my favorite singers with thousands of people at a concert, and I have been filled with immense love for all of the people present. Do I know them all personally? No. But can I still love them? I think so. I think I can love them for sharing such a fun and unifying moment with me. I can love them for being humans who enjoy good music and who wanted to have some fun.

There have been times when I'm frustrated with a slow driver or a slow walker, and I allow myself to pause and consider that even though I don't know them personally, they have a story that makes them who they are. They are probably doing their best, and they most likely are not trying to frustrate me. I don't know that I love these people perfectly, but I feel like I obtain a measure of love for them as I pause to consider who they may be.

There have been times when I'm in the mountains, walking and thinking, and I consider how people, even mere acquaintances, have affected my life. And I feel love for all of the people in my life.

There have been so many times in my life when I have felt love for both people I know and people I hardly know.

Today in relief society at church, we were discussing how we want our ward's relief society to be. Some people we expressing that they don't want people to be fake. And although I fully support being genuine, I found an example that was given of "fakeness" to be confusing. Some people were saying that they don't like when a ward member will say she loves the women in the relief society because often that person doesn't know everyone individually. Someone suggested that instead of saying, "I love you so much," people should say, "I feel good right now" when talking about those feelings in relief society. I disagree with this. Saying I feel good would feel inadequate in explaining those moments I shared above. I would describe the feeling I have had in those moments as love. And saying that I feel good feels like more of an affirmation of myself and my own feelings than a way to try to build relationships with others. I don't dispute that the ward relief society and the world would be better and more loving if we took time to learn more about each other. I fully support a kinder and friendlier world. But I also don't think we should assume that someone expressing their love for a group of people is being disingenuous. I think having even an ounce of love for someone is something to be encouraged. Yes, we can be better at loving each other as human beings. We can do more than we're doing now. But I think even a little love is a good thing and should be encouraged.

Unexpected

Tonight a surprising thought popped into my head:

Younger you would be happy with where you are at right now. 

This got me contemplating younger me and thinking about how far I've come in life. I don't mean any of this to be arrogant, but this thought was enlightening in helping me feel gratitude for my life and realizing that perhaps I don't need to be quite so hard on myself, so I wanted to write about my thoughts.

Younger me was much more full of love, full of awe, and full of cheer. At least, that's how I remember it. I often long to be able to feel the way I felt when I was younger. I struggle to feel as much joy as I remember feeling in my younger years. Some things felt so much easier then than they do now. However, I do realize I may be misremembering some of this. Perhaps I remember the good more than the bad, but nonetheless, I do hope to one day reacquire some of the strengths I had in my younger years. But the ways I have changed have brought me different skills and strengths.

I think that if a time machine could have had younger me meeting current me, younger me would be surprised that some plans hadn't happened yet. I think younger me would perhaps be disappointed that a few things hadn't happened as planned or hoped. However, I don't think younger me would have been disappointed in me as a person. I think life's difficulties have allowed me to develop greater compassion and empathy for others. I may not as frequently feel that heart-encompassing love that I felt often when I was younger, but I think I am able to love and see people in deeper ways. I think younger me would have been happy that I still love learning and am true to who I am. Younger me would have been surprised and happy at how I've learned to be more assertive. I think younger me would have been happy with who I am dating.

I work as an editor and am good at what I do. I have traveled and have taken a road trip by myself. I explore and love adventure. I have my imagination. I have stayed close to my family and have dear, close friends.

As I pondered this concept tonight, I realized how grateful I am for how my life has turned out. All of my expectations have not been met. All of my dreams have not been fulfilled. But many things in my life have turned out well. I have grown as a person. I have loved. And I am still someone who values kindness and goodness and is true to who I am. I have a long way to go in improving as a human on this earth, and I don't want to stop growing and dreaming. But perhaps if things don't go perfectly as planned, and maybe if there are lots of rocks along the way, it will all be ok. Life isn't going to go along with my plans, but I can still learn and become and be me.

That Glorious Time Called Spring

Guys. Guys!

It's spring! The sun is shining! Flowers are blooming! Waking up is easier! I love spring!

I feel like every year I am startled by how much easier it is for me to be happy when spring arrives. And I am by no means a winter hater. In fact, I adore winter. I think it is beautiful and fun and poetic. It's a beautiful time to set goals and slow down and remember your dreams. But it sure is a lot harder for me to feel happy in winter. And I try. I think that, for the most part, I have a measure of control over happiness, but there are just times when it feels so much easier. When spring arrives, I feel like I've awoken from a gloomy dream. I am able to get over unhappy things more quickly because I can't feel mad or sad or gloomy or glum when I feel the world going from gray to green, at least not for long. I'll miss the snow, which is one of my favorite things, but I sure do love green.

I think I said last year that I felt spring might be replacing fall as my favorite season. And I think right now I'm making it official. Spring is my favorite season. It is hopeful and joyous. (I reserve the right to change my favorite at any future point, however.)

Valentine's Day

I've always been a big Valentine's Day fan. To me, it's not about celebrating romantic love necessarily--it's a day to celebrate all kinds of love! 

In honor of this view on Valentine's Day, here is a list of some things I love: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, dogs, youtube videos showing dogs doing cute things, cookies, random friendly texts, friends wanting to hang out, time spent with Adam, old Rascal Flatts songs, music that you can sing along to, smoothies, good food, cooking, flowers, my family, memories of my favorite place, knowing that a vacation is coming soon, books and time to spend reading, people who are passionate about things but in a kind manner, clean and punny and silly jokes.

This list is certainly not inclusive of all of the things I love, but it does include some things I've been thinking about recently 

This Valentine's Day was a little unusual for me because I'm actually dating someone. Adam and I went to Koko's Lunchbox for dinner and ate some delicious Korean food. Then we went to the dollar theater and saw Fantastic Beasts (for the third time because I love it). Then we just talked at my house for a little bit. I had told Adam not to get me anything because I know money is tight for him. But he got me some roses and dark chocolate anyway, and I think it is so sweet! What a sweetie! 

I will say that I did miss some aspects of my traditional Valentine's days, which typically include eating and playing games with friends. I may lean slightly on the introvert side, but I love spending time with friends immensely, and I miss friends. However, that being said, tonight was a dream, and I love spending time with Adam. He brings me joy. 

And even though it's now technically over, happy Valentine's Day, friends! I love you lots! 

Januaries

Does anyone else find themselves getting irrationally irritable and cranky in Januaries? It's a mostly consistent thing for me. And it doesn't get too bad most years, but it's just annoying. 

I'm trying to do lots of things I love this month though and get lots of sleep and exercise! I hope these things will help. But if I seem a bit more prickly than usual to anyone this month, I truly apologize. I'm certain it will pass as the days get a bit lighter. 

Also, there are two awesome birthdays on the last day of January! My mom and the Adam. And I asked for that day off work to have a fun day. I'm excited! I can do this!